I’ve always been a bit of a dichotomy. A touch wishy-washy and a bit impulsive. Believe me, it doesn’t make sense to me either, and yet, it’s true. What I’ve come to realize, however, is that the things I regret the most seem to be the ones that I hem and haw about, and ultimately decide against doing. The ‘what ifs’ and ‘why didn’t I’s’ are the things that still haunt me.
I honestly don’t have many regrets in my life, but the ones I do seem to be the kind that linger, petty though they may be. And believe me, some of them are pretty petty in the grand scheme of things. Doesn’t mean they couldn’t have meant something to me, had I only not hesitated or talked myself out of it.
The latest one, the one that got me thinking—which is a scary prospect, I know—involves a possible trip to New York City for a weekend in August that is definitely not happening now. I’ve never been to NYC, but it’s high up on my list of places to visit. I’m a huge ‘Theatre Geek’ and can’t wait to see my first show on Broadway (you would think that this would have played a part in this whole thing, but alas, you would be wrong).
The story starts about a month ago when I got word of a one-night only show in NYC that I wanted very badly to see. At the news, I sighed wistfully and had daydreams of winning the lottery so I could attend. Fast forward to last week when it came to my attention that someone who I’ve been dying to see perform live would be in this particular one-night only event. Well, I freaked out and immediately went online to see if tickets were still available. And there they were… beautiful, front of the stage seats, at a reasonable price… and my heart fluttered, I sighed again and closed the browser window.
But then, over the weekend, the idea that I could actually make this work began growing and evolving in my over-worked brain. The show is on a Saturday night, so I could easily fly in overnight on Friday and head home on Sunday. Throw in a matinee of another show I’m dying to see on the Saturday and it just might be a fantastic weekend.
So, this morning, I said fuck it, I’m doing this thing because life’s too short and I work hard and because I damn well want to… and of course, the show is now sold out. Cue uncontrollable sobbing in the corner. (Not literally, because I was at work all day, but you get the picture).
*SIGH* Another regret on the pile… to go along with the boy I didn’t kiss when I had the chance, the party I didn’t attend that I should have, the words I didn’t write, the chance I didn’t take because I was afraid and the things I never said to someone who is gone.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am completely aware that this is the height of a first world problem. There are many other things going on the world that I should be worried about. That doesn’t make the disappointment any less poignant in the moment, however. Or the fact that I will forever kick myself for hesitating, solely because of the almighty dollar. What if this was my only chance to see this particular work and this particular performer? I guess I’ll just have to be happy with the decision I made and move on.
Today I want to be a little angry and a little sad and whole lotta disappointed. And then maybe next time I’ll remember this feeling and I won’t hesitate. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason, so I will take this one as a lesson in over-thinking things and the stupidity of not going with your gut. And when the next opportunity rolls around, I’ll be ready to shout ‘yes’ from the rooftops. Or get on that plane with no regrets.